Diary of a *Gasp* Guildmaster - perception

It has been quite some time since I posted in this blog.  Much has happened.  So much has happened.  I don't even know if anyone still follows this:

Anyway...

Perception.  What is perception?
The Cambridge Dictionary defines it as:

"a belief or opinion, often held by many people and based on how things seem:

We have to change the public's perception that money is being wasted.

These photographs will affect people's perceptions of war."

Over the last year or so, my own perceptions have been challenged.  My perception of what it means to be a Guild Master.  At Rowany Festival 2016, I did play a guild master prize.  I had never thought or saw in my mind's eye that I would ever be good enough to be a guild master.  Well, apparently someone else's perception of my skill was higher than my own.  With quite a lot of work, a ton of guidance and critique, insane amounts of training and practice, I managed to pull it off.

Now, I will also admit right here that 2 weeks before my prize when I was trying to get my head around Case of Rapier, that I had this overwhelming sense of impending doom and failure.  I couldn't comprehend what I was doing.  I was a fraudster, a trickster, but not quite a shapeshifter called Maui (wait, wrong movie).  It took a lot more mental capacity to work past that.

A few months ago, an incident left me reeling.  The details I will not go into, but needless to say, I haven't actually attended training in over 6 months.  Over the weekend at Fields of Gold, or is that Rivers of Gold, a conversation was had.  Again, while it was deeply personal and confronting, it held quite a lot of content that was perceptual.  Outlook on one's self.  It boiled down to one question.  How do you make yourself do something when you are really not interested?  This is a tough one.

Now, a bit about my core personality.  I am a total 'Negative Nancy'.  Yes! This was pointed out to me.  In spades.  Yes! It was very difficult to hear.  Yes! I recognise this in myself.  Yes! Other people agreed.  No! I do not want this to ruin something I love, or to my own perception, had thought I had learned to hate.

So to answer that question.  How do you make yourself do something when you are not really interested?  The answer is "I have no idea how you are going to do it, but here is how I plan to go about it."

Step 1. 

Admit to yourself that Yes! there is in fact a problem, and it most likely to be with you.  I AM my own problem.

Step 2.

Nut through the thing that is making your perception a reality.  I worked out why it was that I had started to hate fencing.  It wasn't fencing itself, but the physical environment that we train in.  Now, we in Rowany have a nice big space.  Fabulous.  What is not so fabulous is the actual space.  It is huge, it is high, it is crowed.  It is noisy.  Enough that you cannot hear yourself think, let alone be a good teaching/learning environment.  I don't know about you, but I cannot study or concentrate in a space that is reminiscent of a packed high school gym with noise reverberating off every surface, including the inner surface of your skull.

Step 3.

Repeat after me... You are not responsible for the actions of others, but you are responsible for how you choose to respond/react to them.  Now, I cannot claim ANY credit for this pearl of wisdom.  This is word for word from Damon Greybeard.  I hate to say it, but Yes! He sometimes has plenty of wisdom, and sometimes I will even listen to it.

So my perceptions of 'why I hate fencing' were sort of shattered in is short sentence.  I was reacting badly to an incident, and the only person I was hurting was ME!  Yes!  Me!  No one else is going to care if I don't turn up to training.  Except Me!  Whodathunkit?

Step 4.

Be available.  My own perceptions are that "there are too many Guild Masters in Rowany, and no one is going to want to work with me, when there are so many others they can benefit from.  What do I have to offer that is so different?'  I told you "Negative Nancy. I still hold true to this.  However, as I haven't been to training for sometime, this is going to be very true, because the newer people have no idea who I am, let alone what I have to offer.  Again, this pearl of advice is from Greybeard.  Sigh.  I really wish he would stop speaking sense.

Step 5.

Give yourself a chance to make things happen.  Oh boy.  Deeper down the rabbit hole we go if we weren't already deep enough.  Set yourself a time frame to try and cement the alteration in perception.  Since I haven't been to training for hmmmm.... 6 and a half months, I probably need to have a go again.

So, phase one - my aim is to try and make it this evening.  With gear in hand.
I will try to keep you posted.